Asexuality Q&A

[asexy_archivist]

So usually I do these Q&A posts on plurk (though I did one on my lj back when I used it), but plurk isn't always good for rambling discussions. So I'm posting this here. And I'm leaving it unlocked, but I would like to request that this not be shared anywhere without asking my permission first. The things I am going to be discussing here are very personal. Also, please be respectful. :)

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I often start this off with links to the AVEN website. AVEN = Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. If you look under the "About Asexuality" tab, there are a lot of really good FAQs; not only for people who think they might identify as asexual, but for friends and family, too.

I identify as a homoromantic asexual: someone who is romantically attracted to women, but not sexually attracted to anyone. Aces (a nickname some of us use for ourselves, which I think is cute) can be homo/hetero/bi/pan/whatever romantic, or aromantic, if they don't experience romantic attraction.

If you have questions about what this means for me, please ask them here!

I haven't done one of these in awhile, so I figured it was time for another one since it's come up in discussion a few times recently. Education and visibility are really important issues for me, so I've always been very open and honest about answering questions.

I will answer anything, whether it's about my own personal life, how I feel about the portrayal of asexuals in popular media, why I still enjoy smutty rp and fanfic, TMI stuff, etc.

I've identified this way for the past five+ years, and have gone to meetups, been on panels, podcasts, etc. I point this out because I guess some people think asexuality is just a tumblr fad, or something. It really isn't. It also isn't the same as celibacy; asexuality is an orientation, not a choice someone makes.

One final note: I just had a discussion with someone this morning about how they thought asexuality was the result of some trauma or medical issue. This is not the norm for most aces, and a common misconception in popular media (and therapy, unfortunately).

Most aces I've met have been completely healthy people, emotionally and otherwise. And so am I! I just don't experience sexual attraction, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. Just like there's nothing wrong with the fact that I am romantically attracted to women.

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So now that I've gotten all that intro-y stuff out of the way (congrats if you stuck with me and are still reading), on with the questions! Bear in mind that my experiences and feelings may not be the same as someone else's. There are many different types of asexual people, just as there are many different types of sexual people. :)

Also if other aces want to chime in, feel free!

Comments

[tuberose]

Hey there lovely!

So, there's a character I've been thinking of playing for a while, and I'm interested in exploring some of my headcanon for her as having her sexual orientation actually be homoromantic (or perhaps biromantic) asexual.

What advice would you have for someone who isn't part of the asexual community who wants to portray asexuality in roleplay? Do you think it can be done respectfully and, if so, how?

[asexy_archivist]

Okay so! The biggest piece of advice I can give you for representing asexuals accurately is do your research. Go to the AVEN site I linked, read all the FAQs, etc. There are forums on AVEN (though I tend to avoid them because of silly internet drama), and also on ace-book.net, which is a dating site for asexuals. Yes, such a thing exists.

Don't rely on TV shows for it, because most of the time the portrayals are wildly inaccurate (like The Big Bang Theory, and that one episode of House).

Just keep in mind that aces can be perfectly normal, healthy people, who would just rather read a book or eat cake than go bang someone.

As far as the homoromantic (or biromantic) thing goes, that can get a bit tricky. A lot of people don't understand that asexuals can also feel romantic attraction, so dating is really hard for us. We either have to find other asexuals, or someone(s) who wouldn't mind a nonsexual relationship for whatever reason. I imagine it would be the same in rp.

Like for me, I'd prefer finding another ace who's attracted to women, or a sexual person who wouldn't mind getting their sexytimes from someone else (I'm cool with poly/open relationships, but not everyone is).

Also, my way of being romantically attracted to women is the same as anyone else's, just without the sexual feelings. I get the same emotional attachment (which is noticeably different from how I feel about friends). And I identify as homoromantic because I don't get those feelings with men.

I can also find someone physically attractive, but it's more of an "oh they're pretty" feeling (like a painting, or a flower) than a "oh I want to bang them because they're hot" feeling.

I could ramble about this forever really, so if that gives you even more questions, lay 'em on me. :3

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ALSO I forgot to add: Some aces do have sex with their partners, even if they don't get any physical enjoyment out of it, because they get emotional enjoyment out of fulfilling their partner's needs (I know someone who is in this kind of relationship). There are also "gray-a's" or "demisexuals" who might experience sexual attraction in certain circumstances.

So I know it happens sometimes, but it's not something I have any experience with or interest in, personally.

[tuberose]

Thank you for all the advice!

If I do get to the point where I'm looking at apping her to a game (the character is in fact Tomoe Mami, from Puella Magi Madoka Magica - I find it interesting that she's pretty much the only named character outside Madoka's baby brother who is not in some way, shape, or form paired off in canon), I will definitely be checking out AVEN. It will also help me determine whether I'm more interested in portraying her as asexual, or instead as someone who has simply chosen celibacy. Mami certainly has something of a martyr complex, which could suggest the latter, but I also think it's important to consider opportunities to represent alternate sexualities in roleplay, and that this has potential.

I forget if you're familiar with PMMM canon or not, but if you are, I would be extremely open to additional thoughts and suggestions!

[asexy_archivist]

No problem! And yeah, celibacy is definitely very different from asexuality, because it is a choice. Hats said she could answer any celibacy questions, if you'd like me to ping her again.

I'm not familiar with the canon at all, though I'm told I should be. xD

I would hesitate to label a character as asexual just because they're not paired off...she could still be single for any number of reasons. But if there's other evidence for it, like a general lack of interest when sex is a topic of discussion or someone is making advances then I would consider it more.

[tuberose]

It's hard to truly say one way or another, since it's quite a short show, and, because of reasons, Mami only features in 4 out of 12 episodes. So she doesn't get much opportunity to be explored beyond how she feels about her role as a magical girl specifically. It is absolutely not canon that she is asexual; right now I'm just kind of marinating the idea of what it might be like to play her that way. She seems to be someone who is absolutely capable of and desirous of love, but who in many ways values the connection between two people -- whether through close friendship or through romantic love -- in such a way that I can imagine the possibility that romantic connection is not just a priority but in fact the only thing she feels, for lack of a better way of putting it.

(It really is an excellent canon -- very tightly written, very complex, very emotionally devastating despite or perhaps because of its short length, not to mention very beautiful in multiple senses of the word.)

What are your feelings on this sort of headcanon? I won't be offended if you think it's better to avoid it - after all, I'm a ways off from being at the stage where I'd be looking to put an app together.

[asexy_archivist]

Though I will add, some sex-positive aces like me still have terribly dirty minds and are pretty good at blending into the crowd in that respect. xD